For those of you don’t know, yesterday was the BIGGEST NIGHT IN MOVIES. That’s right, it was the flurbbidy-fourth annual Academy Awards, hosted by a totally still relevant Billy Crystal! And what a grand affair it was, honoring many films that reminded the old white men of the Academy of the halcyon days of their youth when movies were silent and blacks were servants. There were many memorable moments, such as Angelina Jolie’s awkwardly displayed leg, J-Lo’s exposed, off-center areola, and Billy Crystal in blackface.
So what does all this have to do with soccer? Probably nothing. But people will probably be googling shit about the Oscars like all day, and we’re desperate to capitalize on the potential internet traffic. OSCARS J LO NIPPLE SLIP SACHA BARON COHEN KIM JONG IL ASHES JUSTIN BIEBER. Now that we’re officially search engine optimized, check below to find out what the point of this post actually is. Or don’t. I don’t care. YOU’RE ALREADY HERE AND THE SOLID GOLD INTERNET HITS ARE ALREADY OURS.
(*clears throat, puts on his Don LaFontaine voice*) Prepare yourselves for the journey of a lifetime. One fourth-rate blog, on an epic quest. In a world where Premier League clubs are Best Picture Nominees. In a post that should probably have been written last week. From FourFiveTwo comes the most important list in the history of the internet: And Your Nominees Are..
Manchester City – The Artist: The clear front-runner for the title and anyone else who thinks they have a chance is just deluding themselves. Oh, and what a surprise, it’s a bunch of foreign assholes coming in and ruining the competition for everyone else. People say they like it because it’s an interesting and ambitious project, but really they’re just douchebags.
Tottenham Hotspur – Hugo: Top, top director who everyone agrees is t’riffic even though he’s only ever won one award. It was filmed in 3-D! Look how beautiful it looks on the pitch! But at the end of the day, it took home all the bullshit awards for visuals but choked where it actually mattered. All style and no substance.
Sunderland – Midnight in Paris: Owen Wilson travels back in time to the 1890s Belle Époque–pretty much the last time Sunderland was really good. Also, Martin O’Neil is basically Woody Allen. They both wear glasses and idiots think they’re supremely talented even though they only have one trick that they use over and over again.
Manchester United – The Decendants: This won the Golden Globe for Best Drama. The Golden Globe winner for Best Drama always wins the Oscar. But not this year. Also, the movie’s about silver fox George Clooney being rich and hanging out in Hawaii whose life isn’t maybe as ideal as he’d like. SO SORRY FOR YOUR TROUBLES.
Norwich City - War Horse: Plucky feelgood film about a plucky feelgood horse pluckily feelgooding its way through a war. Amazingly, the horse doesn’t die in the end.
Newcastle United - Moneyball: Signed a bunch of off the radar players on the cheap and still won’t win anything, just like the A’s. And this movie. Standing in for Jonah Hill as the fat guy nobody took seriously when he first appeared on the scene but who now maybe we have to grudgingly respect even though he’s still totally ridiculous is Mike Ashley.
Chelsea - Tree of Life: No plot, no character, no editing, no concern for anyone watching. Basically a giant clusterfuck of pretentious douchebaggery.
Arsenal – Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: Really terrible and nobody really knows why it’s actually being considered for the award. It wasn’t nominated for any other awards, so it couldn’t even win some lesser trophy to appease its fanbase. Probably just got nominated because there was a previous incarnation that was good and people just assume this version’s good too. Also, it’s sort of about 9/11, but the little kid didn’t see it and couldn’t tell you about it.
Liverpool – The Help: You knew this was coming.