Author Archives: The Lorber

Bad Fantasy Advice: U Mlad Bro?

Fantasy Dream Team – Week 1. If you have three Fulham players in your squad, you’re probably not very good at this game.

When we made our fantasy teams last week, most of us were just shooting in the dark. How can you really build a title winning fantasy side if you haven’t seen anyone play? Can anyone really say ahead of time whether Robin van Persie will have a better season than Marouane Chamakh? It’s too close to call. So we all did our best and slapped together a squad assembled largely from guesswork, homer bias, and duct tape.

But hindsight is 20/20, and after this weekend’s matches, I think it’s safe to say we have a pretty good idea what to expect from the rest of the season. After the jump, I’ll share with you the keen fantasy insights I gleaned from the first round of games and tell you just who you absolutely must buy if you want to stand a chance at winning this thing.

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FourFiveTwo’s Fantasy Bonanza

Amazingly, it was once actually a good idea to include Andy Carroll in your fantasy team.

(I’m reposting this from a few days ago to remind you bastards to sign up and play some fantasy footy)

In just a few days, real soccer will finally return. Sure we’ve all had fun distracting ourselves with the Euros and the Olympics, but ultimately that’s all bullshit. The Premier League is where it’s at and now that it’s coming back we can stop deluding ourselves that watching under-23 teams play in a meaningless competition is actually interesting.

To celebrate the return of our favorite pastime, FourFiveTwo has decided to spice it up with the FourFiveTwo Fantasy Bonanza! We all had a lot of fun this summer with our fantasy Euro league, so we figured we might as well give it another shot for the upcoming season.

The EPL starts on Saturday, so I assume you need to get your shit together and register a team by Friday. Or maybe Saturday morning. Honestly, I have no idea about the details. I can’t say I’ve really looked into that closely.

URL:  http://fantasy.premierleague.com/

Code to Join: 550637-246076

Every year I get super excited about having a fantasy team, but after the first few weeks of the season I can’t be bothered. But not this year. After destroying all of you on my march to lifting the title in our Euro league this summer, I’ve developed a taste for victory. You’re all welcome to try and dethrone me, but if you come at the king, you best not miss.

Good luck, everyone! Feel free to share your lineups in the comments.

David Conn takes a trip through the FJM Machine

The now-defunct Fire Joe Morgan was a brilliant website famous for skewering the worst in sports “journalism”. Their legacy has been carried on in many places, including by the hilarious folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber and our fine friends over at Unprofessional Foul.

They say if you’re gonna steal, steal from the best, so here is our loving homage to the brilliant work that’s come before us as we give a hearty fuck you to some serious journalistic garbage.

“Don’t try and improve upon what the world has given you. I was born looking like a penis wearing glasses, so I just sorta ran with it. I hope it comes through in my writing.”

This weekend The Guardian published some delightful bullshit on the sacking of Harry Redknapp. In his article assholishly entitled “Delusions of grandeur haunt the men running Tottenham Hotspur“, David Conn wags his finger at Spurs and condescendingly chastens Daniel Levy for daring to want better than his god-ordained place in the world. The article appears below in bold. Our comments follow in plain text.

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Cassano Hopes Azzurri is Free of “Queers”

Come on Jose! It’s not gay if I leave my underwear on.

Euro 2012 has already seen a couple incidents of racial abuse, first during a Dutch training session and then directed at Czech right back Theodor Gebre Selassie.

But now it’s time to pull out your bigotry bingo cards and check off homophobia. All we need now is a little misogyny and anti-semitism and we’ll be all set.

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FourFiveTwo’s Quick and Dirty Euro Previews: Group B

Welcome to Four Five Two’s third-world class coverage of Euro 2012. We are taking an in-depth look at the 16 teams who kick off play Friday afternoon. If we feel ambitious we may even have some other articles up. As always we will also provide predictions so you can make fun of us for being completely wrong. We continue our previews with Group B, or the Group of Death.

Why it looks like young men playing leap-frog. Is it Greek?

Group B is this year’s (bum ba bum bum!) Group of Death. All four teams in this group have reached the final of the Euros in the past 20 or so years (and Portugal’s the only team that hasn’t actually won. Fuck you, Greece.) Portugal finds itself in the Group of Death for the second tournament in a row while Holland is making its third appearance in the past four tournaments. It’s no coincidence that these are the two favored national teams of this site’s resident Spurs fans. CONSPIRACY!

Anywho. Onto the teams, after the jump:

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FourFiveTwo’s Euro Fantasy League

Nothing says European Football like McDonald’s

Euro 2012 is about to kick off and what to better way to enjoy it than with a little friendly competition? FourFiveTwo hereby presents our Inaugural, Official, and Totally Awesome 4-5-2 Euro 2012 Fantasy League!

The tournament begins this Friday, so get off your asses and put together your squad before then. All squads for Matchday 1 must be finalized by 17:45 CET on June 8. (I have no idea what time that is in real America time, so if you want to be safe, handle yo bidness by Thursday).

URL:  http://en.euro2012fantasy.uefa.com/

Code to Join: 239068-60786

If you’ve ever played Fantasy Premier League Football in the past, it’s similar in a lot of ways, but there’s also some very important differences. Make sure you read up on all the rules before you pick your squad or you will suffer for your ignorance.

Good luck, everyone! Feel free to share your lineups in the comments. Unless you’re a tool and think being secretive will give you some sort of advantage.  It won’t.

FourFiveTwo’s EPL Flops of the Season

Carlos Tevez worms his way back into our hearts.

Another season come and gone. There were highs and lows. We laughed and we cried. We held each other gently in the night. And now it’s all over. Eighthpool surpassed all expectations and finished even lower than last season. Spurs collapsed in true Spursian fashion. Man City showed us all that if you truly believe, you really can buy miracles.

But just because the season’s over doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it. Yesterday we brought you our team of the season. Today we continue our 2011/2012 Premier League post-mortem and bring you the worst of the worst. We present to you the flops of the season, laid out in our favored 4-5-2 formation.

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Harry Redknapp’s England

The season’s finally over, innit, so now I can focus on me proper job.

Oi, ‘Arry Redknapp ‘ere.

Right. First of all, I want ta fank the FA for givin’ me this chance ter manage me country. It’s a right proper honor.

After Sven, that weird Dutch bloke, and Don Fabio, it’s about time England were managed by a proper Englishman an’ not some Johnny Foreigner.

It looks like all the uvver national team managers are namin’ their squads, so I betta’ name me own before they take all the top lads. Try and out wheel-and-deal me, eh? Not bloodly likely.

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The Crushing Misery of Success

This post originally appeared as a fanpost on Cartilage Free Captain.  It is reprinted here because I felt like it.

Willy Wonka is a dick.

Nobody lives happily ever after when they get what they want, because getting what you want sucks balls. Look at all the lottery winners who go bankrupt and have shitass lives after they win the lottery. Because you never actually get what you want. You only get what you think you want. And what you think you want isn’t actually what you want, because you’re a fucking idiot.

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