Aw, you look a little down in the dumps. You shouldn’t feel so sad. You’re great! You’ve accomplished so much! Aw come on, we’re serious. Let the FIFA’s All Positive, All Iberian Team give you a little encouragement.
Hey hey hey. What up Celtizzle. Your friend Snoop dee oh double gee is here to bring a little of Long Beach to Glasgow and get things crackalackin.
We all know that the Europa League is UEFA’s trouble child. Its European Club Football’s sloppy seconds. Unless a team’s name starts with the word Athletic, there’s a good chance that the only people who care less about this competition is their fans. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Secondary competitions like the Cup Winner’s Cup and the UEFA Cup were valued parts of the European football scene back in the day. So how can we bring some life to the Europa League?
Worry not, for Four Five Two has all the answers.
Early last summer, new Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers was given the task of tracking down his predecessor and club legend Kenny Dalglish. The following records are all that remain of his journey.
Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool, September 1, 2012-
“shit… I’m still in Liverpool. Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the north, up the Mersey. When I was in Swansea, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be Wales. I hardly said a word to my chairman, until I said “I’d like to go to Liverpool.” When I was in Liverpool, I wanted to be back in Wales; when I was in Wales, all I could think about was getting back to the Kop and singing about things that happened 40 years ago. Its been a summer now … waiting for success … getting softer; every minute I walk alone, I get weaker and every minute Andre Villas Boas squats on the sidelines, the Sky Six gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the “Rodgers for England” chants get louder.”
A few years ago some of ny blogging friends and I were doing some work for a businessman in Singapore. It was before the days of satellite tv and he was trying to buy favors from local business interests with tapes of the EPL. Unfortunately a local bandit, resplendent in scarves of every EPL team was stealing those tapes. We tried hunting him down but had no luck. One day, we found a local child watching an FA Cup replay between Everton and Swindon Town in a local noodle shop. You see, he’d just been seeing who was playing each other and giving the tapes away. Some men don’t actually want to watch soccer matches. They won’t sit, watch, or listen. Some men just want to see the EPL previewed.
The fog on ennui has lifted like the humidity after a rainstorm. I’m a champion of Europe for club and country. I’m the winner of the Golden Boot. I’m young, talented, and my hair is among the most ridiculous in world football. I’m talented, no one can dispute that. I’m good, right?
STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT YOU FUCKER.
With the 2012 Euros beginning their Semi Finals tomorrow, we understand that the world’s eyes will be focused on Poland and Ukraine for the first time since WWII. Given this, it is particularly fitting that all four of Europe’s most prominent fascist nations are the ones left in the tournament.
So to help you get ready, we here at Four Five Two, the Internet’s foremost authority on formerly fascist football, are here to highlight the top players to look out for during the next two semis.
A black hole is a spatial anomaly with a gravitational pull from which no light can escape. It is also the perfect analogy for my life right now. I try my hardest and do everything I can to make him happy, but nothing is good enough to escape the gravitational pull of my despair. I think he’s going to leave me … on the bench.
Hey remember that week where Harry Redknapp was coaching a team in the title race, beating teams 5-0, getting acquitted from tax evasion, and the leading candidate for the England job? Man, nobody better than Harry. He had a solid gold future laid out before.
Well, its five months later and Harry’s out of a job. Somebody hide the Boddingtons, Harry’s gonna need a drink.
Greetings and salutations! Welcome to our inaugural FourFiveTwo Liveblog, straight from the Home Depot parking lot. We open the European Championships today with UEFA’s dream match up: Poland plays a team that doesn’t have any black players on it. So the monkey chants will have to wait for at least another game. Suck it, liberals.
So we kick off with Poland, the lowest team in the FIFA rankings in the tournament, which is probably unfair, so soccer snobs around the world are now overrating their chances, VS. Greece, a team created in a laboratory circa 2004 to embody every negative stereotype Americans have about soccer. Let’s all pray Poland scores two quick, because otherwise we’ll spend the entire match wondering if the Polish ultras are waving around racist symbols, or just really like the letter S.
Line ups and live blog after the jump…