Author Archives: Soccer Apologist

The Best Eleven (For Your Entertainment Value): Your FourFiveTwo EPL XI

As with many other soccer websites, it’s retrospective time here at FourFiveTwo. The 2012-13 EPL season is over. Some, like SB Nation’s Kevin McCauley, are saying “Smell ya later” to the season. (Note: McCauley’s a Spurs fan). It wasn’t even unicorns and chocolate fountains for United fans, who got to celebrate a title victory, but then Sir Alex decided to quit while he was ahead, and the last few weeks of the United season turned into a wistful SAF retrospective where all United fans found the room a bit dusty.

There wasn’t the frenzied last day of action and suspense that there was last year, that’s for sure. At the top of the table, it played out the way many figured it would — those shirts celebrating Championship #20 for United that were prematurely printed last year are now marketable and relevant. Arsenal’s won fourth place yet again (and finished ahead of Spurs for 18 straight years). Chelsea ended up third, after a confusing season in which fans thought they’d win the league with Di Matteo as manager, saw him sacked, saw Benitez and Torres combining forces and assumed the worst, and yet, for all the 16th minute salutes and the Spanish waiter jokes and the hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing, it turns out that Chelsea has Champions League talent on-board. Meanwhile, City proved the bitter sports adage that “second place is the first loser” — especially given City’s exalted new expectations — in both the Prem League race and the FA Cup. (And, now with Balotelli and Mancini both out, how are we possibly supposed to enjoy watching City?)

The bottom of the table wasn’t that much fun either. QPR and Reading had clear paths to relegation by the time the January transfer window rolled around — QPR tried to spend their way out of disaster, while Reading just tried to rely on grit, determination, and Pavel Pogrebnyak. Neither approach worked. Arguably, aside from the Arsenal vs. Spurs scrap for fourth, the league’s last bit of fun came the week before the season ended, when Wigan won the FA Cup and was then relegated within three days. Villa and Newcastle did their best to make relegation drama happen, but in the end, five teams avoided the drop zone by landing in the 39-42 point range, compared to Wigan’s 36.

Along the way, Swansea and Bradford reaching the Capital One Cup made for two delightful surprises in one, comically-coiffed players like Fellaini and David Luiz had breakout seasons, Berbatov became the one compelling reason to watch Fulham matches, Gareth Bale celebrated 21 league goals by making a heart with his hands, and Eden Hazard kicked a ball boy.

But none of those players made the FourFiveTwo Starting XI — which, for our purposes, consists of a goalie, four defenders, a midfielder, a false nine, and four forwards. (Forwards are more fun to talk about this year.) When it comes to entertainment value, and encompassing some of the glorious lowlights of the 12-13 EPL season, these are this year’s top, top lads.

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Daydrinker’s Five: Our New German Overlords Edition

In the Champions League, it’s going to be Wembley Uber Alles in three weeks … but the Bundesliga schedule, in a happy cosmic accident, has a Bayern-Dortmund tilt this weekend with much lower stakes than the upcoming, all-German, sky-falling-on-Spanish-football final. In the meantime, a crapload of games are happening with some minor effects on who finishes 3rd and 18th in the EPL. Here are your non-German domination storylines.

Will United try? They’ve won the league, they can’t catch Chelsea for the most-points-in-a-season mark, and they’ve had their guard of honor. Attention’s shifting to the summer transfer rumors about C-Ron returning to Old Trafford, but in the meantime, they’re facing a Chelsea side for whom a win means much more.

Speaking of rumors and Chelsea … Though they start a tough end-of-the-season slog that might leave them out of the top four after all, the big talk with the Blues is all about the Return of Jose, now that Real’s been Deutschlanded out of the Champions League and Barcelonad out of La Liga.

Facing their former clubs. Fun facts: Bale used to be at Southampton before joining Spurs; Lambert used to manage Norwich before taking Villa on this year’s Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. The Player/Young Player of the Year and the manager of a lot of young players face their former squads today. Spurs’ next match (Wednesday, vs. Chelsea) has much more meaning for the Champions League race, but we’re in a for-real EVERY GAME COUNTS scenario.

Can Arsenal stay in the CL? The race for St. Totteringham’s Day is on as Arsenal attempts to maintain its annual stay in the top four (read: fourth) AND scout rumored transfer target/French guy Loic Remy as the Gunners face Championship-bound QPR. Also, we’ll make the obligatory bacon sandwich reference since Redknapp’s still managing QPR. And allegedly will be next year.

The race for 17th. Newcastle’s colossal ass-kicking at the hands of Liverpool last week was bad enough to plunge them into the relegation battle. The suddenly-toothless (not like Liverpool, amirite?) Toons face West Ham (the best of last year’s promoted sides), while Wigan (who looked alternately awesome and clown-car in tying Spurs last week) goes against West Brom, The Most Boring of EPL Sides.

Doing the Math for You: The EPL Battles At The Top (And, Of Course, The Bottom) Of The Table

If you like math as much as you like the EPL, this is clearly the best time of year for you. Though we’re not as down to the wire as we were last year with the races for the top and bottom spots — after a weekend in which QPR and Reading relegated each other in predictably miserable 0-0 fashion — there’s a wee bit of drama headed into the final four weeks. The race for the third through fifth spots are made a little more interesting by Chelsea and Spurs playing each other May 8, as well as Chelsea’s tough schedule including Europa League games, and the Wigla battle for 17th including the final game of the season between Wigan and Villa, which could mean nothing or could be an awesome drama fest. Here’s some math, done for you, because we care.

The Chammmmmmmpions Race

Chelsea (currently third)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 65
Max Points Possible: 77
Max Points Possible if they tie Spurs May 8: 75
GD: 33
Left to Play: at Man U, Spurs, at Villa, at Everton
Things to keep in mind: Man U doesn’t have much to play for now that the league’s wrapped up and the all-time points record isn’t possible, the game vs. Spurs will be a war, Villa will be likely scrapping to avoid relegation, Everton might have a shot at fifth at that point, which looks the only route to the Europa league.

Arsenal (currently fourth)
Games Remaining: 3
Points: 64
Max Points Possible: 73
GD: 30
Left to Play: at QPR, Wigan, at Newcastle
Things to keep in mind: Giroud’s gone for another two weeks because of the red card, QPR will be pretty deflated (okay, MORE SO), and Wigan and Newcastle will be scrapping to avoid relegation, and Wigan did tie Spurs this past weekend (though the two goals they gave up were comical). (Newcastle just lost 6-0 to Liverpool. They seem officially awful.)

Spurs (currently fifth)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 62
Max Points Possible: 74
Max Points Possible if they tie Spurs May 8: 72
GD: 17
Left to Play: Southampton, at Chelsea, at Stoke, Sunderland
Things to keep in mind: Southampton’s been a tough out for top teams, Chelsea has played well of late (though, still, Torres + Benitez), Stoke is Stoke, and Sunderland has new fascist inspiration which will probably keep them out of the drop zone.

If everyone wins out (with the exception of Spurs beating Chelsea): Spurs 74, Chelsea 74, Arsenal 73
If everyone wins out (with the exception of Chelsea beating Spurs): Chelsea 77, Arsenal 73, Spurs 71
If everyone wins out (with the exception of a Spurs-Chelsea tie): Chelsea 75, Arsenal 73, Spurs 72

(Also, no one cares much, but Man City needs 7 points in its final four games to clinch 2nd, and their final two are at Reading and Norwich. At Swansea and hosting West Brom are the two semi-tests. And just for fun, Everton’s sitting at 59 points with three games left, max of 68 possible, against Liverpool, West Ham, and Chelsea. Liverpool’s at 54 points with three games left, so we’ll introduce them into the conversation should the Black Plague sweep London in the next few weeks.

The Relegation Battle

Wigan (currently 18th)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 32
Max Points Possible: 44
GD: -23
Left to Play: at West Brom, Swansea, at Arsenal, Villa
Things to keep in mind: This is not a particularly easy stretch for Wigan, Figueroa’s hurt, they’ve got an FA Cup final in the mix here (not as WTF as Bradford vs. Swansea was, but close), and Arsenal will be gunning (rim shot) for a CL spot. So it could come to the match with Villa and Wigan’s current 4-goal GD advantage.

Aston Villa (currently 17th)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 34
Max Points Possible: 46
GD: -27
Left to Play: Sunderland, at Norwich, Chelsea, at Wigan
Things to keep in mind: Winning today against the fascists would keep Villa in control of their own destiny; a loss would allow Wigan to grab the steering wheel. Villa have a goal differential to work on in the coming weeks. Though giving up three goals to RVP in 32 minutes last week was, well, bad, Benteke and Weimann continue to look dangerous and capable of multi-goal games. (That defense, though.)

Newcastle (currently 16th)
Games Remaining: 3
Points: 37
Max Points Possible: 46
GD: -23
Left to Play: at West Ham, at QPR, Arsenal
Things to keep in mind: Europe last year, and rim of the drop zone this year, thanks to an epic 0-6 bed-crapping against a Liverpool side that just lost Suarez to a 10-game ban. Alan Pardew, we applaud you. Could a 0-0 draw against QPR be enough to save Newcastle?

(If Sunderland lose today, they’re at 37 points with three games left, just like Newcastle, but with a much-better GD position of -7. Everyone else, starting with lackluster Norwich, look safe, though some look a lamer brand of safe than others.)

(Monday afternoon update: Are you kidding me? Villa wins 6-1, pulls ahead of Wigan and Newcastle in goal differential, goes up to 16th in the table … and this is in a game where Sessegnon gets red-carded out of the rest of the season. So, all of a sudden, the Tyneside teams are in more dire straits than Villa — the Toons are in 17th, and Sunderland’s in 15th but they don’t have their top two goalscorers. Nice win, Villa.)

Daydrinker’s Five: Biting Edition

So, what will the pundits be talking about this weekend, other than the Suarez Snack of Shame? Wynalda might not talk about anything else, and Darke and Macca spent a lot of the ESPN2 pre-game discussing a Liverpool-less future for Sir Bites-A-Lot, but here are some of the other things they could/should talk about.

Arsenal’s championship guard for United. With the league wrapped up well before the last day of the season (unlike last year’s wild and eminently more watchable ride), we’ll get the dubious tradition of the non-title-winning team clapping for the league champs. In this case, it’s watching RVP beaming about a league trophy, at the Emirates, the first year after leaving the Emirates. As an Arsenal fan, how does it feel? It feels like your boss gave the jerk in Sales with the perfect hair a bunch of really good leads, he went into Always Be Closing Mode, and you have to pretend to like him as you congratulate him for getting Employee of the Month as you fantasize about keying his car. The championship guard, as a tradition, blows.

Wigla. From now until their last game of the season, we’re likely to talk about Wigan and Villa together as they jockey for 17th and 18th place. Except, of course, when we talk about Wigan’s improbable journey to the FA Cup finals, where we can thank the Latics for blocking Millwall’s path to the FA Cup final.

The Relegation Six-Pointer that could have been. QPR plays Reading in a game that doesn’t have the drama it could have had in the relegation fight, simply because both teams are just that horribly and resolutely in the drop zone. There aren’t even many players worth poaching, unless you’re a fan of overpaid defenders pried from Anzhi Makhachkala.

Playing for second place. Regardless of how Man City does against West Ham this morning, expect contrasts to be drawn between the efficiently managed and quietly dominant United, and the boatload-of-strikers dysfunctional fantasy team that is City. The first half has been typical City — Aguero and Yaya Toure are showing up, Tevez is a black hole, Gareth Barry is getting trucked, Nasri is pouting, and David Silva’s doing a lot of rolling around and holding body parts.

The race for third (and fourth). Assuming City doesn’t entirely tank — and surely, none of us at FourFiveTwo are rooting for that — we’ll be looking at the next four teams in the table and projecting how they’ll finish. Arsenal’s toughest match remaining this season will be tomorrow’s RVP Lovefest (note to Sir Alex: This would be a great game to see what kind of striker you have in Welbeck), Spurs play the FA Cup Finalist half of Wigla (not their toughest game), Zorres and company host Swansea at Stamford Bridge, and Everton hosts Fulham, a game for which we have nothing witty to say, because it’s Everton hosting Fulham.

Looking Up At The Bottom: Dying Throes Edition

Ah, spring. The time of year that brings warmer temperatures, flowers, the twittering of birds … and the crushing of dreams as three unlucky groups of EPL fan bases find themselves unceremoniously dumped into the Championship League and trying to figure out what “nPower” is. It’s getting close to the end of the season, and the fuzziness that was there back in January (specifically, with ‘Arry trying to buy his way out of relegation with QPR’s millions) is clearing up …

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We Came, We Saw, We Cheered On Dudes With Snow Shovels: FourFiveTwo at USAvCRC

Victory! (And lots and lots of snow.)

Victory! (And lots and lots of snow.)

Perhaps there was only one thing more surreal than watching the USMNT chase a yellow ball around a snow-covered field in Denver last night, and that was being there in person. Brian and I made the pilgrimage for FourFiveTwo, to what started out as a winnable but crucial, need-three-points-now match against the Ticos, and ended up being an Instant Classic/Stuff of Legends game which many more USMNT fans (including the rest of the FourFiveTwo staff) will claim they witnessed live, compared to the nearly 20,000 who were actually there.

In honor of the hex, here are the six moments of the trip that stand out most for me:

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Top Lads On Top! (We Salute Surging, Red-Hot Cockfosters, Our New Favorite Team)

We love us some Cockfosters.

About seven weeks ago, during a podcast in which we broke down the many layers of English Football, our attention turned to the Spartan South Midlands Football League — and its Division One team Cockfosters. Cockfosters is a North London team whose name is most associated with the tube stop — namely, the northern terminus of the Picadilly Line, which, according to infallible Wikipedia, has 210 million riders a year.

Since making Cockfosters our own, they’ve been performing well and outlasting all comers, riding a seven-game surge in which they’ve gotten results and left their fans satisfied each and every match, with their goal differential of +67 indicating a complete package of lots of scoring up front and keeping things nice and tight in the back.

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Another Ring on the Parka: Arsenal Bradfords It Against Blackburn

Yeah, this looks familiar.

The hosts of the excellent Men In Blazers podcast joke about Arsene Wenger’s puffy parka by positing the theory that for every year Arsenal doesn’t win a trophy, he grows another ring on the parka. Which would be hilarious if it wasn’t so painfully, consistently true. Fellow FourFiveTwoer Jeremiah complained about all the injustices done to ManU in their 1-1 tie at the Bernebau, in an exciting game in which de Gea lived up to his hype and the whole squad looked like they could upend on the top three teams in the world when they have their Champions League return leg at Old Trafford. That’s all but saying, “Owww! This trophy’s too heavy!” or “There aren’t enough spots on the field for all our crafty and effective strikers to score at will on the Fulhams of the world!” or “We only got six minutes of extra time there when it certainly could have been seven or eight!” Really, United fans complaining about their about-to-be-double-winning-team are the worst.

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