Oops. Wrong Baggies. Sorry.
I’m just going to highlight the most interesting matches below the jump, but you can get the full schedule here.
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The View From Row Z: Midweek Fixture Glut
Category Archives: Fifthsenal
The View From Row Z: Midweek Footie Bloat
Charlie and Bobby, in happier times.
There’s a lot of soccer on display this afternoon, including domestic leagues, domestic cups, continental cups, and even some crappy international friendlies. Plenty of variety for soccerphiles of every kind.
Most eyeballs will be glued to the action at Etihad Stadium when Chelsea take on Man City and we all become pensioners for a couple hours (or not, it depends). For Chelsea, de facto player-manager John Terry will be much less of a player and much more of a (behind the scenes) manager, and we all get to see if Fernando Torres really got his groove back, or if he only scores against NPowership sides. On the other side, multiple TV cameras will be glued to the Citeh bench to see if Mancini calls on Tevez in the second half. I have a theory about the precise circumstances under which Fun Bobby will call upon “Carlo”. It goes like this:
-If City are in the lead, Tevez stays on the bench so Mancini can take full credit for the win.
-If City are tied, Tevez stays on the bench so he can’t score the winner, hog all the glory, and spawn countless columns about how he was exactly what Mancini has been missing all along.
-If City are hopelessly behind, Mancini taps Carlitos’ shoulder to test his loyalty once more and sends him on.
Beyond Eastlands, we’ve got three other tasty Prem matchups, some potentially interesting La Liga ties not featuring Messi the Great, a pinch of Coupe de France, a dash of Coppa Italia, and much more. Carefully curated list (with TV channels!) after the jump.
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Lionel Messi’s Crushed Velvet Showcase: Thierry Henry’s Near Miss
Thierry Henry was once regarded as one of the finest strikers in the world. With the recent announcement of a four story fish tank in his new London home, it would seem that Thierry is determined to reinforce his status as yesterday’s news.
An oversized fish tank that takes up four stories of your home?
How bourgeois.
Theo Walcott’s Birthday Cake is Completely Ridiculous
A bunch of folks went out last Sunday to celebrate Theo Walcott’s Birthday. This is his birthday cake.
That is all.
The EPL Run-In: Part II, the Race for Europe
With 10 games to go, it’s time to look at the various races taking place in the Premier League. In Part II we check out the fight for European football.
This was originally going to be a look at only four teams, as I obviously despise Liverpool and I wish the very worst upon them and every member of their club. But then they went out and dick-stomped Everton, and then Arsenal beat Newcastle, and now ‘Pool are only 7 back of Chelsea.
And in reality, I don’t like any of these teams. I guess Spurs are tolerable, and I pity Newcastle and their fans as long as that fat whistleblower (what a gash) remains in charge. But as for Arsenal, Chelsea, and Liverpool? Woof.
I mentioned in Part I that there has been a real drop in quality at the top of the EPL this season, and that is further reflected by English results in Europe. Nobody gives a shit about the Europa League, but both United and City trail by a goal heading into their second legs this afternoon. And Chelsea stand alone as the one English team to qualify for the quarterfinals of the Champions League. The last time England had only one team reach this stage was 2005-06, and since then they’ve had 3, 4, 4, 2, and 3 of the last 8.
So which pathetic trio will join Team Manchester in trying to restore some dignity to England’s European reputation?
Row Z: Five is a Tall Order
Is RVP any good at darts?
Oh, hi! On this most glorious of Super Tuesdees, Platini and his cronies have gifted us a couple Chaaaampions! return legs to feast on. You know the first one, where Wenger’s Gunners host Allegri’s Rossoneri at the Emirates and need to somehow overcome the 4-0 smackdown at the San Siro. Five-Nil to the Arse would do it, but four would suffice to force ET and PKs. Then all they need is for the Milanese to take penalties like Dirk Kuyt so Szczczczesny can put Arsenal through to the next round.
HAHAHAHAHA! Who am I kidding? Milan advance.
The other matchup features a Benfica side that was nearly frozen solid in St Petersburg, but still managed to only lose 3-2 to Zenit. They can get by with a 1-0 win. Benfica is loaded with South Americans, including Paraguay’s Oscar “Tacuara” Cardozo, Argentina’s Pablo “The Little Clown” Aimar, Nicolás “Nico” Gaitán, and Javier “The Rabbit” Saviola, to name a few. Curiously, the Russians have more Portuguese starters than the club from Lisbon, including Bruno Alves and Miguel Danny. PLUS: Magic Pixie, but he’s probably cup-tied. I have no idea who gets the edge here but I’m guessing it will be a fun game to watch.
There’s also a bunch of NPowership matches this afternoon featuring teams that end in “City”, “United”, “borough”, and/or “Town”. You can google that if you’re interested.
Kos Didn’t Score the Worst Own Goal of the Weekend
By now, you’ve all seen Koscielny’s OG from Saturday’s match against Liverpool. It was unfortunate to say the least if you’re a Gunner, and quite a blessing for ‘Pool, Spurs, Chelsea, etc. Well, San Martin’s Diego “All He Does is Score Own Goals” Sosa raised the ante with this inexplicable and deadly strike against his own net:
Obviously, Sosa was trying to clear the ball out of his box, but he slotted it into the bottom corner rather decisively. Perhaps manager Daniel “Dany” Garnero should line him up at striker? That goal was the difference maker as Estudiantes won 1-0.
From Russia with Love: A Gooner’s Farewell to Andrey Arshavin
Today we bring you a guest post by friend of the blog and Arsenal fan Blankzy
"We go home now, Wife."
The pint-sized Russian has finally gone home to Mother Russia. Yes, it is only on loan to Zenit but it would be naïve to say he might actually return to London. Sadly, Tomas Rosicky and Aaron Ramsey are now the only surviving members of the Lesbian Lookalikes Club that is the Arsenal midfield, having already lost the pasty-white, androgynous Samir Nasri to Manchester City. Fortunately, Mikel Arteta’s eyebrows make him an ideal replacement.
When speaking of Andrey Arshavin, Arsenal fans love to reminisce about that unforgettable night back on April 21, 2009, when we all watched the little Ruski score four goals at Anfield; the first player to do so since 1946. After that magical display, Andrey was always going to be a disappointment for the supporters. Arshavin’s genius gradually fizzled out over the next few years and his performances became more and more frustrating. Now that he’s gone, I urge all fans of the sport to remember him not for his inconsistencies on the pitch, but for his downright hilarious brilliance off the pitch.
Aaron Ramsey – Babyfaced Assassin
When Aaron Ramsey scores, someone dies. Since May of last year Aaron Ramsey has scored four goals for Arsenal. And murdered four innocent people.
"Do I look like someone who would kill innocent people for fun?"
Last Thursday,Whitney Houston went about her day, minding her own business, just living her ordinary humdrum life while drunk and bleeding at a nightclub. No one would suspect that a few days later she would be dead. No one except her ruthless killer, Aaron Ramsey.
Arsene Wenger’s Statistically Efficient Guide to Sweet, Sweet Love
Merde.
Hello. My name is Arsene. I have studied the art of seduction, love making, and french tickling throughout the world.
Hot, steamy sex is a popular activity across England, but I believe that they do so in a wasteful way. I believe that through the magic of statistics, game theory, and broccoli, that English love making can reach world class levels of pleasure, sensuality, and efficiency.
Join me, won’t you, as I, the world’s foremost foreplayologist, answer your questions and make the world a more erotic place.
Editor’s Note: The pictures of those asking questions have been obscured to protect their identities.
