Category Archives: Seventhpool

Daydrinker’s Five: Biting Edition

So, what will the pundits be talking about this weekend, other than the Suarez Snack of Shame? Wynalda might not talk about anything else, and Darke and Macca spent a lot of the ESPN2 pre-game discussing a Liverpool-less future for Sir Bites-A-Lot, but here are some of the other things they could/should talk about.

Arsenal’s championship guard for United. With the league wrapped up well before the last day of the season (unlike last year’s wild and eminently more watchable ride), we’ll get the dubious tradition of the non-title-winning team clapping for the league champs. In this case, it’s watching RVP beaming about a league trophy, at the Emirates, the first year after leaving the Emirates. As an Arsenal fan, how does it feel? It feels like your boss gave the jerk in Sales with the perfect hair a bunch of really good leads, he went into Always Be Closing Mode, and you have to pretend to like him as you congratulate him for getting Employee of the Month as you fantasize about keying his car. The championship guard, as a tradition, blows.

Wigla. From now until their last game of the season, we’re likely to talk about Wigan and Villa together as they jockey for 17th and 18th place. Except, of course, when we talk about Wigan’s improbable journey to the FA Cup finals, where we can thank the Latics for blocking Millwall’s path to the FA Cup final.

The Relegation Six-Pointer that could have been. QPR plays Reading in a game that doesn’t have the drama it could have had in the relegation fight, simply because both teams are just that horribly and resolutely in the drop zone. There aren’t even many players worth poaching, unless you’re a fan of overpaid defenders pried from Anzhi Makhachkala.

Playing for second place. Regardless of how Man City does against West Ham this morning, expect contrasts to be drawn between the efficiently managed and quietly dominant United, and the boatload-of-strikers dysfunctional fantasy team that is City. The first half has been typical City — Aguero and Yaya Toure are showing up, Tevez is a black hole, Gareth Barry is getting trucked, Nasri is pouting, and David Silva’s doing a lot of rolling around and holding body parts.

The race for third (and fourth). Assuming City doesn’t entirely tank — and surely, none of us at FourFiveTwo are rooting for that — we’ll be looking at the next four teams in the table and projecting how they’ll finish. Arsenal’s toughest match remaining this season will be tomorrow’s RVP Lovefest (note to Sir Alex: This would be a great game to see what kind of striker you have in Welbeck), Spurs play the FA Cup Finalist half of Wigla (not their toughest game), Zorres and company host Swansea at Stamford Bridge, and Everton hosts Fulham, a game for which we have nothing witty to say, because it’s Everton hosting Fulham.

Looking Up At The Bottom: Dying Throes Edition

Ah, spring. The time of year that brings warmer temperatures, flowers, the twittering of birds … and the crushing of dreams as three unlucky groups of EPL fan bases find themselves unceremoniously dumped into the Championship League and trying to figure out what “nPower” is. It’s getting close to the end of the season, and the fuzziness that was there back in January (specifically, with ‘Arry trying to buy his way out of relegation with QPR’s millions) is clearing up …

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Better Know A Traore

Djimi Traore, Genius

Hello, Four Five Twofers.

I haven’t written anything in, oh, I don’t know, maybe 2 years, but I was inspired; nay, I was compelled by forces beyond my control to write this piece.

That’s right, it is Better Know a Traore time. Continue reading →

Looking Up at the Bottom, January Transfer Window Panic Button Edition: Your EPL Relegation Watch

Why can’t we just promote these guys right now? (Would anyone REALLY miss Reading?)

Back in October, we took a look at the bottom seven teams in the EPL for two reasons. First off, it seemed a reasonable number when talking about possibilities for which teams in the EPL might face relegation, and more importantly, it was the number of teams required for us to include Liverpool and subsequently ROFL all over ourselves.

Now, with just over a week left in the January transfer window, we’re revisiting the question of who will make way for Cardiff, and probably Leicester, and maybe Hull, and maybe Millwall or a Zaha-less Crystal Palace (Fergie to Zaha: YOU ARE MINE. What Fergie to Zaha sounds like to those of us who aren’t zombies: BRAINNNNNS! BRAINNNNNNS!), but sadly probably not a Nottingham Forest to enter the Prem, and disappear into the vortex that is the Championship League.

But, we digress. Here are your losers.

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New Managers, How Are They Doing?

In the past year or so, we’ve seen quite a few changes in the management area. Now we’ll take a look and see how the new bosses are doing.

Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool: Brendan had a pretty good streak of success at Swansea before going to Anfield. He led the Swans into the Premier League in 2011 after beating Reading 4-2 at Wembley with a Scott Sinclair hat-trick. His start in the Premier League with “Relegation favorites” Swansea made all the pundits terribly quiet, picking up points against the likes of Tottenham, Newcastle, Liverpool and, Chelsea. Not to mention a win against Arsenal.  It’s always nice to shut the critics up. In February 2012, he received the “Manager of The Month” award and Swansea ended up finishing in a surprising 11th place.

The stats as it stands in his new (denial-ridden) place of business: 12th in the table 2 games won, 5 drawn, and 3 lost, with a goal difference of -2. One of, if not THE worst start in Liverpool’s history. I can hear Kenny Dalglish banging his head on a table out there somewhere.

Andre Villas-Boas, Tottenham: AVB’s time at Chelsea only lasted 256 days and saw a win percentage of 47.5%. That’s 19 won, 10 lost, and 11 drawn. That and some tactics which players and fans alike called “questionable to say the least” saw him sacked on March 4th, 2012.

The stats as it stands in his new (laughable) place of business : 6th in the table with 5 wins, 2 draws and 3 losses with a goal difference of 3.

Roberto Di Matteo, Chelsea: Roberto is AVB’s replacement, and after winning the Champions League with them against Bayern Munich, he was made full time manager.

The stats as it stands in his not so new place of (wanker-ly) business: 2nd in the table (was first up until recently) with 7 wins, 2 draws and only 1 loss plus a goal difference of 12.

Paul Lambert, Aston Villa: At Norwich city, Paul Lambert led the Canaries to consecutive promotions. Npower Championship in the 09/10 season and then the Premier League in the 10/11. He kept them up in the 11/12 season before moving to Villa.

The stats as it stands in his new stomping grounds: 17th in the table 2 wins, 3 draws, 5 losses with a goal difference of -6 (With Barry Bannan and Stephen Ireland on your side how the hell do you manage that poor start?)

Chris Hughton, Norwich City: Hughton did well in his Birmingham career, led them to the group stages of the Europa League and to the fifth round of the FA cup in the 11/12 campaign.

The stats as it stands in his new workplace: 14th in the table with 2 wins, 4 draws, and 4 losses and a goal difference of -10

Michael Laudrup, Swansea City: Laudrup is a legend as a player. With successful spells at Juventus, Lazio, Barcelona, Real Madrid and, Denmark’s national team. (You should already know this.) Before the move to Swansea, he left on bad terms with RCD Mallorca.

The stats as it stands in Wales: 11th in the table with 3 wins, 3 draws,  and 4 losses with a goal difference of 1.

Steve Clarke, West Brom:  Steve’s last job (besides being a renowned Chelsea player, which we won’t speak of) was the head coach at Liverpool under Kenny Dalglish.

The stats as it stands as a first timer: Surprisingly 5th in the table with 5 wins, 2 draws, and 3 losses with a goal difference of 4.

And last but not least, the Wanker Of The Week Award goes to:

Mario Balotelli

Balotelli could not be reached for comment however, faithful viewers, just for you, our fourfivetwo insider got ahold of his agent who released this statement: “Mr. Balotelli says he is grateful to finally be recognized for his contribution to football.”

Top 5 WTF moments of recent time! (In no particular order)

1. Roberto Mancini’s Rants.

I’d be making the same face if I had to manage a squad of world class sellouts and prima donnas

The Man City boss hasn’t been doing himself any favors recently by making comments that give people an idea why his players don’t respect him (as if that was any surprise.). He started by blatantly reminding everyone about all the various offers he received from different clubs around the world and how close he was to making a big money move to Monaco. Somewhere in the ballpark of £6.4 million a year. If that wasn’t enough, Mancini felt it necessary to write off City’s chances of success in the Champions League, stating: “I don’t think we’re ready for the Champions League.” Along with: “My players owe me three big performances.” (That’d be a statement I’d keep in the dressing room, mate.) and also: “I will not change anything” (If it’s broke, do nothing. Genius!) when referring to the squad.  Everyone was thinking it, he said it. And now there’s probably no hope.

2. Zlatan Ibrahimovic beats the St. Etienne keeper with a Jason Statham type approach.

Nothing more really needs to be said about this one, does it?

3. New Zealand Prime Minister in media hot water for a David Beckham comment.

John Key has been accused of stating that David Beckham is “As thick as bat shit.” while visiting a school in Auckland. It is also said that he stated that Beckham is also “Handsome” and “A nice guy” (Before calling him as thick as bat shit. Imagine that.) Key is neither confirming nor denying the comment by telling the press “What I am saying is that somebody has overheard a personal conversation and that’s their recollection of it.” Either the Prime Minister is sticking to his guns or he could just realize that not too many people are going to argue this one. (Maybe both)

4. Mark Clattenburg facing charges for allegedly using “foul language” towards Chelsea players.

Clattenburg is not refereeing for the second week in a row due to said charges. It would appear as though Chelsea players couldn’t argue with the two red cards he flashed in the 3-2 loss to Manchester United, so they found some other bollocks to banter on about why the game didn’t go their way. Mind you, Clattenburg sent off Johnny Evans in the 6-1 thrashing of United by Manchester City last season so you can’t point towards favoritism. And it’s always nice to see justice served to players who choose to dive. He has support from both the Professional Game Match Officials Limited and the head managers of both clubs so he will likely return when the dust settles.

5. Liverpool fans get soaked by haywire sprinkler.

This was during halftime of the 1-all draw with Newcastle. You’ll never wash alone.

Able I Was Ere I Saw The Bernabeu

A scary place, indeed.

Forgive the awful bastardization of the famous Napoleon quote, but it perfectly illustrates an observation I’ve noted for some time now but never put it to pen (or keyboard, natch). In a nutshell, have you ever noticed how many star players who sign for Real Madrid never quite recover from the experience? It seems to happen an awful lot. Some suffer serious injuries and never regain the form they showed before signing with the Spanish giants. Others enjoy a brief spell of success before succumbing to the intense pressure of competing for a spot on the squad. Then they get loaned out or transferred somewhere but they’re never as good as they were before they put on the famous white kit. Below the jump, a brief list of guys who, crystal ball in hand, never would have signed for Los Merengues. Continue reading →

Being: Boring (The Premiere of Fox Soccer Channel’s Being: Liverpool)

After literally months of highlight teasers and Fox Soccer Channel pomp, Being: Liverpool debuted last night, starting with a playwright’s wistful reminiscing about what Liverpool F.C. means to the city of Liverpool, some awesome footage of ‘70s era players in ‘70s era shorts, and an unsurprising number of “establishing past glory” shots.

Then, they switched over to the high hilarity of a Liverpool pub this past May 5, day of the FA Cup Finals, following the reactions of 20 Reds fans – mostly old men – yelling at the TV, especially on the play which perpetuated the Goalline Technology Debate. You remember it, I’m sure: When Andy Carroll’s header was batted out of the goal at the last possible moment (or the moment just past that, wink, wink) by Petr Cech, and Carroll was too busy celebrating to follow up. FSC went with the bleep-and pixelated-mouth edit on the fan who used a seven-letter adjective to describe just what kind of goal he thought it was. The last shot in the scene was of the saddest man to ever wear a multi-colored jester hat.
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Heart of Dalglishness

Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a high profile job, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like a Stewart Downing pass into a trash can. It was a real choice job, and when it was over, I’d never want to manage again.

Early last summer, new Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers was given the task of tracking down his predecessor and club legend Kenny Dalglish. The following records are all that remain of his journey.

Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool, September 1, 2012- 

“shit… I’m still in Liverpool. Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the north, up the Mersey. When I was in Swansea, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be Wales. I hardly said a word to my chairman, until I said “I’d like to go to Liverpool.” When I was in Liverpool, I wanted to be back in Wales; when I was in Wales, all I could think about was getting back to the Kop and singing about things that happened 40 years ago. Its been a summer now … waiting for success … getting softer; every minute I walk alone, I get weaker and every minute Andre Villas Boas squats on the sidelines, the Sky Six gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the “Rodgers for England” chants get louder.”

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Where Should Gaston Ramirez Go?

So, it was looking like Gaston Ramirez had a decent little role at Bologna — plays wing, wears the #10, plays for the highly-regarded Uruguayan national team, being oh-so-constantly within reach of Diego Forlan’s golden locks — but he was looking for more this year.

Namely, he was looking for glory in the EPL.

With (wait for it) Southampton.

He even went as far as to tell an Italian paper, as ESPN reported, “They believe in me in every way . . . and above all I have said that they are going to grow. Southampton is a newly promoted team in the English top flight, but they have the means to stand tall in a few years. And with me they are going to build. It’s all very stimulating. Even if it is a little strange.”

They believed in him. They were going to grow together. He was stimulated. Basically, Gaston and Southampton sitting in a tree …

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