Category Archives: Tottenham

Daydrinker’s Five: Biting Edition

So, what will the pundits be talking about this weekend, other than the Suarez Snack of Shame? Wynalda might not talk about anything else, and Darke and Macca spent a lot of the ESPN2 pre-game discussing a Liverpool-less future for Sir Bites-A-Lot, but here are some of the other things they could/should talk about.

Arsenal’s championship guard for United. With the league wrapped up well before the last day of the season (unlike last year’s wild and eminently more watchable ride), we’ll get the dubious tradition of the non-title-winning team clapping for the league champs. In this case, it’s watching RVP beaming about a league trophy, at the Emirates, the first year after leaving the Emirates. As an Arsenal fan, how does it feel? It feels like your boss gave the jerk in Sales with the perfect hair a bunch of really good leads, he went into Always Be Closing Mode, and you have to pretend to like him as you congratulate him for getting Employee of the Month as you fantasize about keying his car. The championship guard, as a tradition, blows.

Wigla. From now until their last game of the season, we’re likely to talk about Wigan and Villa together as they jockey for 17th and 18th place. Except, of course, when we talk about Wigan’s improbable journey to the FA Cup finals, where we can thank the Latics for blocking Millwall’s path to the FA Cup final.

The Relegation Six-Pointer that could have been. QPR plays Reading in a game that doesn’t have the drama it could have had in the relegation fight, simply because both teams are just that horribly and resolutely in the drop zone. There aren’t even many players worth poaching, unless you’re a fan of overpaid defenders pried from Anzhi Makhachkala.

Playing for second place. Regardless of how Man City does against West Ham this morning, expect contrasts to be drawn between the efficiently managed and quietly dominant United, and the boatload-of-strikers dysfunctional fantasy team that is City. The first half has been typical City — Aguero and Yaya Toure are showing up, Tevez is a black hole, Gareth Barry is getting trucked, Nasri is pouting, and David Silva’s doing a lot of rolling around and holding body parts.

The race for third (and fourth). Assuming City doesn’t entirely tank — and surely, none of us at FourFiveTwo are rooting for that — we’ll be looking at the next four teams in the table and projecting how they’ll finish. Arsenal’s toughest match remaining this season will be tomorrow’s RVP Lovefest (note to Sir Alex: This would be a great game to see what kind of striker you have in Welbeck), Spurs play the FA Cup Finalist half of Wigla (not their toughest game), Zorres and company host Swansea at Stamford Bridge, and Everton hosts Fulham, a game for which we have nothing witty to say, because it’s Everton hosting Fulham.

Looking Up At The Bottom: Dying Throes Edition

Ah, spring. The time of year that brings warmer temperatures, flowers, the twittering of birds … and the crushing of dreams as three unlucky groups of EPL fan bases find themselves unceremoniously dumped into the Championship League and trying to figure out what “nPower” is. It’s getting close to the end of the season, and the fuzziness that was there back in January (specifically, with ‘Arry trying to buy his way out of relegation with QPR’s millions) is clearing up …

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Top Soccer Moments of 2012

Tonight we close the books on 2012, and it has been a pretty crazy year in soccer. From the Luis Suarez racism affair to Manchester City winning the title, there have been highs and lows, unless you are Manchester United and City, they just had highs. In typical Four Five Two fashion, we have compiled our top ten list of moments in soccer. Enjoy your evening and make sure you don’t drink too much champagne.

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A Random Mish-Mash Of Transfer Rumors!

This is in no way related. It’s just funny, and true.

Nicolas Anelka is rumored to have had enough of life at Shanghai Shenhua (No real surprise there.) and is looking to go back to Anfield where he enjoyed a successful loan spell in 2002. West Ham United and Queens Park Rangers are apparently also looking into the Frenchman, but he’s adamant that he would prefer to go back to Liverpool.

Joey Barton seems to be enjoying his time in Marseille, wanting to turn his loan spell into a more permanent gig. Barton is quoted saying: ”If I were the one to decide, I’d stay at Marseille.”  I personally think it would be interesting to see how the French will react when he goes all Joey Barton on someone.

Sandro is reported to be a target of Manchester United. United however are weary of their chances of convincing Daniel Levy to let the Brazilian midfielder at Tottenham Hotspur go.

Luiz Adriano has raised some eyebrows with his performances against CSKA London aka, Chelsea with Shakhtar Donestk. He has been linked with a move to LOL-pool and Arsenal and Tottenham are reportedly interested as well.

Ashley Cole has an expiring contract with Chelsea, he’s also a victim of the over 30 rule that was recently instated. He’s been linked with a free move to PSG however, Real Madrid have thrown their hats in the ring.

Wilfried Bony is woo-ing Chelsea, reports say, to the point that Michael Emenalo (Chelsea’s sporting director) has been travelling to the Netherlands to watch Bony play for Vitesse Arnhem and. Wilfried is quoted saying it would be “an honor” to play for Chelsea. The London based club is prepared to make an £8 million bid (Yes, he is a forward.)

Chelsea are also eyeing Fluminese’s full-back Wallace and PSV Eindhoven’s Riecheldy Bazoer only to never play them and eventually sell them to mid-ranking sides in La Liga.

West Ham are looking into Zurich’s midfielder Izet Hajrovic.

Mario Balotelli might just make a move back to his home country of Italy. Manchester United defender Patrice Evra has said ”Mario really misses Italy. I don’t know if he will stay in Manchester because he wants to return to his country. I’m not his agent – I am only telling you how he feels.” sometime after the Italy-France match in Parma, Italy. According to The Sun, Mancini will happily sell the striker to either of the Milan clubs or anyone else who wants him, and then offset the loss by buying Radamel Falcao from Atlético Madrid.

Christian Benteke has spoken out about the club that he adores. Only, it’s not Aston Villa. The striker has been quoted saying this: “Arsenal are the club I love” and following up with: “I’m not afraid of making enemies at Villa by saying I love Arsenal. One can say worse things.” 

Speaking of Villa, the now bench-warming keeper Shay Given has come out and said “I would love to play for Celtic.” Those two statements might just be personal insights and nothing more but, who knows.

Also on Villa’s shopping list is Maribor striker Robert Beric and Wilfried Bony (Where have I heard that name before? And why do I think Villa won’t be able to compete with big money to make him want to join?)

Speculations say that Arsenal would be more than happy to relieve Edin Dzeko from Manchester City (Or, Money City, if you will.) Arsène Wenger is also eyeing Alvaro Morata of Real Madrid, Will Hughes of Derby county, Liam Trotter of Ipswich Town (Going for the youngsters, eh?) and Wilfried Zaha of Crystal Palace. (Who isn’t?)

The gunners and scousers are looking to make a trade, swapping Raheem Stirling and Theo Walcott after both players made wage demands that their clubs are refusing to meet. (Raising children is expensive at 17, eh Raheem?)

David Beckham has been linked with a move to New York from LA however, representatives of Beckham have been in talks with clubs from the Australian A-League. (A Beckham-Heskey match up would be pretty interesting.)

Money City are also looking to rid Conor Hunte of all that Cockney slang going through his head at Chelsea. I’d call that a favor except, it’s City.

Speaking of Arse-senal (See what I did there?) Emmanuel Frimpong will be allowed to negotiate with other clubs in January, seeing as though his contract is running out.

Newcastle have been eyeing Lille’s Mathieu Debuchy “Like a bashful teenager trying to pluck up the courage to ask for a date” as The Guardian puts it.

Blackpool’s Tom Ince has been watched by Tottenham, Newcastle, and, Manchester United.

Since we’re on the Red Devils, United are prepared to make a £12 million bid for Celtic’s Victor Wanyama. (I personally endorse this move) United are also prepared to make the same bid for Stoke City’s Ryan Shawcross (Sounds like a bad backup plan to me) Random fact: If either of these transfers go through, it will be the first time United has purchased a central midfielder since 1993.

This just in, Arsenal have given up, Bacary Sagna is going to Internazionale.

New Managers, How Are They Doing?

In the past year or so, we’ve seen quite a few changes in the management area. Now we’ll take a look and see how the new bosses are doing.

Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool: Brendan had a pretty good streak of success at Swansea before going to Anfield. He led the Swans into the Premier League in 2011 after beating Reading 4-2 at Wembley with a Scott Sinclair hat-trick. His start in the Premier League with “Relegation favorites” Swansea made all the pundits terribly quiet, picking up points against the likes of Tottenham, Newcastle, Liverpool and, Chelsea. Not to mention a win against Arsenal.  It’s always nice to shut the critics up. In February 2012, he received the “Manager of The Month” award and Swansea ended up finishing in a surprising 11th place.

The stats as it stands in his new (denial-ridden) place of business: 12th in the table 2 games won, 5 drawn, and 3 lost, with a goal difference of -2. One of, if not THE worst start in Liverpool’s history. I can hear Kenny Dalglish banging his head on a table out there somewhere.

Andre Villas-Boas, Tottenham: AVB’s time at Chelsea only lasted 256 days and saw a win percentage of 47.5%. That’s 19 won, 10 lost, and 11 drawn. That and some tactics which players and fans alike called “questionable to say the least” saw him sacked on March 4th, 2012.

The stats as it stands in his new (laughable) place of business : 6th in the table with 5 wins, 2 draws and 3 losses with a goal difference of 3.

Roberto Di Matteo, Chelsea: Roberto is AVB’s replacement, and after winning the Champions League with them against Bayern Munich, he was made full time manager.

The stats as it stands in his not so new place of (wanker-ly) business: 2nd in the table (was first up until recently) with 7 wins, 2 draws and only 1 loss plus a goal difference of 12.

Paul Lambert, Aston Villa: At Norwich city, Paul Lambert led the Canaries to consecutive promotions. Npower Championship in the 09/10 season and then the Premier League in the 10/11. He kept them up in the 11/12 season before moving to Villa.

The stats as it stands in his new stomping grounds: 17th in the table 2 wins, 3 draws, 5 losses with a goal difference of -6 (With Barry Bannan and Stephen Ireland on your side how the hell do you manage that poor start?)

Chris Hughton, Norwich City: Hughton did well in his Birmingham career, led them to the group stages of the Europa League and to the fifth round of the FA cup in the 11/12 campaign.

The stats as it stands in his new workplace: 14th in the table with 2 wins, 4 draws, and 4 losses and a goal difference of -10

Michael Laudrup, Swansea City: Laudrup is a legend as a player. With successful spells at Juventus, Lazio, Barcelona, Real Madrid and, Denmark’s national team. (You should already know this.) Before the move to Swansea, he left on bad terms with RCD Mallorca.

The stats as it stands in Wales: 11th in the table with 3 wins, 3 draws,  and 4 losses with a goal difference of 1.

Steve Clarke, West Brom:  Steve’s last job (besides being a renowned Chelsea player, which we won’t speak of) was the head coach at Liverpool under Kenny Dalglish.

The stats as it stands as a first timer: Surprisingly 5th in the table with 5 wins, 2 draws, and 3 losses with a goal difference of 4.

And last but not least, the Wanker Of The Week Award goes to:

Mario Balotelli

Balotelli could not be reached for comment however, faithful viewers, just for you, our fourfivetwo insider got ahold of his agent who released this statement: “Mr. Balotelli says he is grateful to finally be recognized for his contribution to football.”

Able I Was Ere I Saw The Bernabeu

A scary place, indeed.

Forgive the awful bastardization of the famous Napoleon quote, but it perfectly illustrates an observation I’ve noted for some time now but never put it to pen (or keyboard, natch). In a nutshell, have you ever noticed how many star players who sign for Real Madrid never quite recover from the experience? It seems to happen an awful lot. Some suffer serious injuries and never regain the form they showed before signing with the Spanish giants. Others enjoy a brief spell of success before succumbing to the intense pressure of competing for a spot on the squad. Then they get loaned out or transferred somewhere but they’re never as good as they were before they put on the famous white kit. Below the jump, a brief list of guys who, crystal ball in hand, never would have signed for Los Merengues. Continue reading →

David Conn takes a trip through the FJM Machine

The now-defunct Fire Joe Morgan was a brilliant website famous for skewering the worst in sports “journalism”. Their legacy has been carried on in many places, including by the hilarious folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber and our fine friends over at Unprofessional Foul.

They say if you’re gonna steal, steal from the best, so here is our loving homage to the brilliant work that’s come before us as we give a hearty fuck you to some serious journalistic garbage.

“Don’t try and improve upon what the world has given you. I was born looking like a penis wearing glasses, so I just sorta ran with it. I hope it comes through in my writing.”

This weekend The Guardian published some delightful bullshit on the sacking of Harry Redknapp. In his article assholishly entitled “Delusions of grandeur haunt the men running Tottenham Hotspur“, David Conn wags his finger at Spurs and condescendingly chastens Daniel Levy for daring to want better than his god-ordained place in the world. The article appears below in bold. Our comments follow in plain text.

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REDKNAPP OUT AT SPURS!!!!111! ALL CAPS TIME!!!!!

Euros? Aw they’re ‘triffic, but they’re not the Prem, are they?

Hey remember that week where Harry Redknapp was coaching a team in the title race, beating teams 5-0, getting acquitted from tax evasion, and the leading candidate for the England job? Man, nobody better than Harry. He had a solid gold future laid out before.

Well, its five months later and Harry’s out of a job. Somebody hide the Boddingtons, Harry’s gonna need a drink.

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The 5 Stages of Grief: EPL Style

This is what I think of your whining

For many fans, soccer is much more important than just about anything in the world, even life itself. People live and die with their teams triumphs and failures, which makes it all the more interesting that Liverpool still has so many fans. Nonetheless, at Four Five Two we have broken down the 5 stages of grief and tried to guess just where some of this year’s teams fans would fit.

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Therapy for Spurs fans with Dr. Skipjack

So Chelsea won the Champions League on…  ugh. I’ll try writing that again.
So a bunch of Chavs won the Champions League on Saturday. Unless you discovered football in 2003 AND you’re a fan of plaid flat brim hats or enjoy seeing buses being parked, you probably didn’t like that result. If you’re a Spurs fan who isn’t from the Former Soviet Republic of Buttfuckistan, you probably really, REALLY didn’t enjoy watching us get butt fucked out of a Champions League place. If you’re like me, you haven’t had a hangover yet, because you’re still drunk.

 

But its now the morning after, so as hard as it may be, its time for those of us to cheer ourselves up, because we already have something better than a Champions League place: Sylvie Van Der Vaart.

 

 

Suck it, Chelsea.