The footballing world, particularly Robin van Persie and United, had almost been Shanghaied by Queens Park Rangers but, due to some clever, uncouth, investigative journalism, the whole thing has been blown wide open.
Nicolas Anelka is rumored to have had enough of life at Shanghai Shenhua (No real surprise there.) and is looking to go back to Anfield where he enjoyed a successful loan spell in 2002. West Ham United and Queens Park Rangers are apparently also looking into the Frenchman, but he’s adamant that he would prefer to go back to Liverpool.
Joey Barton seems to be enjoying his time in Marseille, wanting to turn his loan spell into a more permanent gig. Barton is quoted saying: ”If I were the one to decide, I’d stay at Marseille.” I personally think it would be interesting to see how the French will react when he goes all Joey Barton on someone.
Sandro is reported to be a target of Manchester United. United however are weary of their chances of convincing Daniel Levy to let the Brazilian midfielder at Tottenham Hotspur go.
Luiz Adriano has raised some eyebrows with his performances against CSKA London aka, Chelsea with Shakhtar Donestk. He has been linked with a move to LOL-pool and Arsenal and Tottenham are reportedly interested as well.
Ashley Cole has an expiring contract with Chelsea, he’s also a victim of the over 30 rule that was recently instated. He’s been linked with a free move to PSG however, Real Madrid have thrown their hats in the ring.
Wilfried Bony is woo-ing Chelsea, reports say, to the point that Michael Emenalo (Chelsea’s sporting director) has been travelling to the Netherlands to watch Bony play for Vitesse Arnhem and. Wilfried is quoted saying it would be “an honor” to play for Chelsea. The London based club is prepared to make an £8 million bid (Yes, he is a forward.)
Chelsea are also eyeing Fluminese’s full-back Wallace and PSV Eindhoven’s Riecheldy Bazoer only to never play them and eventually sell them to mid-ranking sides in La Liga.
West Ham are looking into Zurich’s midfielder Izet Hajrovic.
Mario Balotelli might just make a move back to his home country of Italy. Manchester United defender Patrice Evra has said ”Mario really misses Italy. I don’t know if he will stay in Manchester because he wants to return to his country. I’m not his agent – I am only telling you how he feels.” sometime after the Italy-France match in Parma, Italy. According to The Sun, Mancini will happily sell the striker to either of the Milan clubs or anyone else who wants him, and then offset the loss by buying Radamel Falcao from Atlético Madrid.
Christian Benteke has spoken out about the club that he adores. Only, it’s not Aston Villa. The striker has been quoted saying this: “Arsenal are the club I love” and following up with: “I’m not afraid of making enemies at Villa by saying I love Arsenal. One can say worse things.”
Speaking of Villa, the now bench-warming keeper Shay Given has come out and said “I would love to play for Celtic.” Those two statements might just be personal insights and nothing more but, who knows.
Also on Villa’s shopping list is Maribor striker Robert Beric and Wilfried Bony (Where have I heard that name before? And why do I think Villa won’t be able to compete with big money to make him want to join?)
Speculations say that Arsenal would be more than happy to relieve Edin Dzeko from Manchester City (Or, Money City, if you will.) Arsène Wenger is also eyeing Alvaro Morata of Real Madrid, Will Hughes of Derby county, Liam Trotter of Ipswich Town (Going for the youngsters, eh?) and Wilfried Zaha of Crystal Palace. (Who isn’t?)
The gunners and scousers are looking to make a trade, swapping Raheem Stirling and Theo Walcott after both players made wage demands that their clubs are refusing to meet. (Raising children is expensive at 17, eh Raheem?)
David Beckham has been linked with a move to New York from LA however, representatives of Beckham have been in talks with clubs from the Australian A-League. (A Beckham-Heskey match up would be pretty interesting.)
Money City are also looking to rid Conor Hunte of all that Cockney slang going through his head at Chelsea. I’d call that a favor except, it’s City.
Speaking of Arse-senal (See what I did there?) Emmanuel Frimpong will be allowed to negotiate with other clubs in January, seeing as though his contract is running out.
Newcastle have been eyeing Lille’s Mathieu Debuchy “Like a bashful teenager trying to pluck up the courage to ask for a date” as The Guardian puts it.
Blackpool’s Tom Ince has been watched by Tottenham, Newcastle, and, Manchester United.
Since we’re on the Red Devils, United are prepared to make a £12 million bid for Celtic’s Victor Wanyama. (I personally endorse this move) United are also prepared to make the same bid for Stoke City’s Ryan Shawcross (Sounds like a bad backup plan to me) Random fact: If either of these transfers go through, it will be the first time United has purchased a central midfielder since 1993.
This just in, Arsenal have given up, Bacary Sagna is going to Internazionale.
The now-defunct Fire Joe Morgan was a brilliant website famous for skewering the worst in sports “journalism”. Their legacy has been carried on in many places, including by the hilarious folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber and our fine friends over at Unprofessional Foul.
They say if you’re gonna steal, steal from the best, so here is our loving homage to the brilliant work that’s come before us as we give a hearty fuck you to some serious journalistic garbage.
This weekend The Guardian published some delightful bullshit on the sacking of Harry Redknapp. In his article assholishly entitled “Delusions of grandeur haunt the men running Tottenham Hotspur“, David Conn wags his finger at Spurs and condescendingly chastens Daniel Levy for daring to want better than his god-ordained place in the world. The article appears below in bold. Our comments follow in plain text.