There wasn’t the frenzied last day of action and suspense that there was last year, that’s for sure. At the top of the table, it played out the way many figured it would — those shirts celebrating Championship #20 for United that were prematurely printed last year are now marketable and relevant. Arsenal’s won fourth place yet again (and finished ahead of Spurs for 18 straight years). Chelsea ended up third, after a confusing season in which fans thought they’d win the league with Di Matteo as manager, saw him sacked, saw Benitez and Torres combining forces and assumed the worst, and yet, for all the 16th minute salutes and the Spanish waiter jokes and the hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing, it turns out that Chelsea has Champions League talent on-board. Meanwhile, City proved the bitter sports adage that “second place is the first loser” — especially given City’s exalted new expectations — in both the Prem League race and the FA Cup. (And, now with Balotelli and Mancini both out, how are we possibly supposed to enjoy watching City?)

The bottom of the table wasn’t that much fun either. QPR and Reading had clear paths to relegation by the time the January transfer window rolled around — QPR tried to spend their way out of disaster, while Reading just tried to rely on grit, determination, and Pavel Pogrebnyak. Neither approach worked. Arguably, aside from the Arsenal vs. Spurs scrap for fourth, the league’s last bit of fun came the week before the season ended, when Wigan won the FA Cup and was then relegated within three days. Villa and Newcastle did their best to make relegation drama happen, but in the end, five teams avoided the drop zone by landing in the 39-42 point range, compared to Wigan’s 36.

Along the way, Swansea and Bradford reaching the Capital One Cup made for two delightful surprises in one, comically-coiffed players like Fellaini and David Luiz had breakout seasons, Berbatov became the one compelling reason to watch Fulham matches, Gareth Bale celebrated 21 league goals by making a heart with his hands, and Eden Hazard kicked a ball boy.

But none of those players made the FourFiveTwo Starting XI — which, for our purposes, consists of a goalie, four defenders, a midfielder, a false nine, and four forwards. (Forwards are more fun to talk about this year.) When it comes to entertainment value, and encompassing some of the glorious lowlights of the 12-13 EPL season, these are this year’s top, top lads.

Goalie: Ali Al-Habsi and Joel Robles, Wigan
We considered Norwich’s Mark Bunn, who was sent off from a relegation six-pointer vs. Sunderland in March for wandering a few yards past the 18 to paw at an airborne ball in danger of being slotted home by Danny Graham, leaving third-string goalie Lee Camp to flap for 60-plus minutes. But Al-Habsi and Joel combined to let in a league-leading 73 goals this year — including Al-Habsi’s smooth move against Reading and Joel’s inability to clear a tap-back pass or deal with Bale’s karate skills.

Defense: Phil Bardsley, Sunderland
After Sunderland’s final match — a 1-0 loss to Spurs, in which David Vaughan was sent off for a second yellow 15 minutes before Bale’s inevitable late-game goal — delightful new manager Paolo di Canio confirmed that Sunderland will no longer be a palace of earthly delights for footballers, expressing his fury with players for allegedly partying to celebrate not getting relegated, and revealed that Bardsley was held out of the final match after online photos surfaced of him lying on a casino floor covered in 50-pound notes. Bardsley denied that alcohol played a part in the wacky antics. I don’t think Di Canio’s buying it.

Defense: Christopher Samba, QPR
The poster boy for QPR’s mid-season plan (Buy Our Way Out Of Relegation), Samba was rescued from Anzhi Makhachkala for a £12.5 million transfer fee and a reported £100k a week. According to the Guardian, the signing resulted in weeping, Samba didn’t even make the lineup in the late April scoreless draw against Reading that fittingly relegated both teams, and yet he will be retained and built around if Harry Redknapp has his way. (Though if ‘Arry doesn’t get to buy new, better disciplined players, he might be gone — though what could go wrong in the Championship?)

Defense: Pablo Zabaleta, Man City
Though he was named City’s Player of the Year — and rivaled Manu Ginobili for Best Balding Argentine Athlete honors all year — it was this foul late in the match against Wigan that left them a man down and vulnerable to Ben Watson’s Ginger Magic, sending Mancini to exile in the process. (Perhaps to Monaco, which the Guardian’s now hilariously calling “wad-waving Ligue Two champions Monaco.”)

To be fair, Zabaleta’s foul was on a player who had maybe the worst (not called) foul of the year. Callum McManaman’s foul earlier in the year earned a place in the Telegraph’s discussion of the 10 worst tackles of all time for this collision with Newcastle’s Massadio Haidara in March. Yet, for whatever karmic retribution was in play when Zabaleta came in late on a goal-bound McManaman, Zabaleta became only the third player to be sent off in an FA Cup Final. (And he wasn’t happy about it — as in, those are some very angry arm gestures he’s making.)

Defense: John Terry, Chelsea
Taking “full-kit wanker” to a whole new level, Terry sat out the Europa League final due to injury, wearing a suit during the game, and then donned his uniform (including shin guards!) to take place in the trophy celebration. Terry’s been one of the hardest-to-love players in recent Chelsea memory, but getting in uniform to hoist the Kid’s Table of Trophies almost trumps the tawdry tales of racism and adultery we’ve come to expect of the aging defenseman.

Midfielder: Tom Huddlestone, Spurs
Huddlestone is just trying to do the right thing — but that still doesn’t keep him for being at least a little chuckle-worthy. In October 2011, he set up a page on JustGiving, with a goal of raising £75k for cancer research. The catch? He pledged to not cut his hair until he scored a goal in a Premier League game. When he set up the page, he hadn’t scored since an April 2011 match against Arsenal. Sadly, that’s still the case, more than two years later. He now has a lot of hair — a veritable turducken of hair — a Valderrama stuffed into a Coloccini stuffed into a Fellaini. But, as Fred Willard once said while playing an Air Force official in This Is Spinal Tap, “Although I shouldn’t talk — may hair’s getting a little shaggy, too.”

False Nine: Fernando Torres, Chelsea
The enigmatic Torres fared comparatively well Chelsea’s marathon 2012-13 season, scoring 22 times in 64 matches, versus 13 goals in his first 67 as Chelsea’s £50 million striker. He flourished at times playing in a false nine role, and he did score the deciding goal in the match that sealed 3rd place for the Blues, but he only managed 8 goals and 6 assists in 28 league games played, lost playing time to January signing Demba Ba, and is having to speculation about new Chelsea strikers and a new manager coming in over the summer. Oh, and he broke his nose and had to wear this mask for six weeks. (But at least this year wasn’t as bad as last year.)

Forward: Jonathan Walters, Stoke City
January 13, 2013: It’s a day that Jonathan Walters will never forget, ever, even if he wants to, which he undoubtedly does. Chelsea won 4-0, but Stoke could have won 3-2 if Walters hadn’t forgotten how to play soccer that day. This lowlight reel documents Walters’ nightmare — heading an own-goal past his keeper toward the end of the first half, heading a second-own goal past his keeper in second-half action, and then, in the 90th minute, skying a penalty kick to keep Chelsea’s clean sheet intact.

Forward: Gervinho, Arsenal
At one point in the season, Gervinho was among the league leaders in goals scored. But then September ended, and the drought was on — from October to mid-March, he managed a single goal in Champions League play and nothing else in an Arsenal uniform, though he did light it up for Ivory Coast in the African Cup of Nations. The Gervinho miss of the season, though, was this bit of clownery against Bradford — in the match where Bradford bounced Arsenal from the Capital One Cup competition. (Which Arsenal fans will never be allowed to forget.)

Forward: Peter Odemwingie, West Brom and QPR
On the final day of the January transfer window, it looked like Nigerian national player Peter Odemwingie would be moving from West Brom to QPR, willingly. So much so, in fact, that Odenwingie drove to Loftus Road to talk terms — only the proposed deal had fallen through, QPR had to lock Odemwingie out to keep from breaking FA rules, West Brom manager Steve Clarke described the move as “total lunacy,” Odemwingie lashed out at the club, and his teammates chipped in to buy a QPR jersey for him. Less than four months later, he’s apparently re-burned bridges with a locker room outburst, and will finally get to participate in a relegation battle next year (assuming the rumors are true that he’ll sign with newly-promoted Hull).

Forward: Luis Suarez, Liverpool
Even before The Biting Incident, Suarez was on the short list of temperamental forwards to make the FourFiveTwo XI — single-handedly keeping Liverpool from being relegated following the glorious early weeks of the season, literally single-handledly beating FA Cup opponents Mansfield as one of several incidents with the manos, stomping on or hitting opponents in three different types of competition (Premier League, Europa, AND international play), and celebrating a goal (an equalizer against Chelsea, no less) alone — a moment immortalized in a priceless GIF.

But with The Bite, Suarez has reached a whole new echelon of crazy. Even though Suarez has done this once before (while playing for Ajax in 2011), this bite was during action in front of goal, with the ball being played into him. Though the refs “didn’t see it,” and Suarez scored a dying-moments equalizer to further compound Chelsea’s righteous indignation, it spawned jokes, clever Tweets and GIFs — including noted Suarez-hater Evra gnawing on a fake rubber arm given to him after United’s title-clinching win. Sadly, though, it also spawned contemplation of whether Suarez can play in England again, along with tiresome talk of Liverpool’s honor and tradition. Even with all the attendant crazy that comes with Suarez — or, perhaps, because of it — he’s arguably the most compelling figure in the EPL, arrogant yet talented, a perfect villain for a league that still desperately needs one.

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Now the eyes turn to his replacement. David Moyes has been linked to the job since time immemorial, and ever since he left Chelsea, Jose Mourinho has also looked like a possible candidate to replace his erstwhile rival.

But we at Four Five Two know better. We know that there’s only one man that can take the job:

You guessed it. Big Sam (Thanks, Guardian!).

It makes perfect sense. He’s always said that if he ever had a big job (like Inter Milan or Real Madrid), he’d be up to the task. He has connections to the Tampa area, just like the Glazer family. And though he’s managed some dire, dour sides, let’s not forget that he did get BOLTON, of all teams, to Europe.

And there’s another, actually practical, non-comedic reason for appointing Big Sam. The next manager, no matter who he is, will be held up to the light of Sir Alex. While David Moyes is indeed made of stern stuff, he’s never had the sheer pressure that managing Manchester United would provide. What’s better for him, and for Manchester United? To take the job NOW, or to take it after a year or two when he looks like an improvement over the last guy and has all the fans fully on board? Big Sam’s at least been the lightning rod before. We know he can handle it.

Go with the local guy, Glazers. You know it’s the right move.

Allegations of a pre-match argument between Boubacar Barry and the post have not been yet confirmed; however, we understand no charges will be pressed.

Will United try? They’ve won the league, they can’t catch Chelsea for the most-points-in-a-season mark, and they’ve had their guard of honor. Attention’s shifting to the summer transfer rumors about C-Ron returning to Old Trafford, but in the meantime, they’re facing a Chelsea side for whom a win means much more.

Speaking of rumors and Chelsea … Though they start a tough end-of-the-season slog that might leave them out of the top four after all, the big talk with the Blues is all about the Return of Jose, now that Real’s been Deutschlanded out of the Champions League and Barcelonad out of La Liga.

Facing their former clubs. Fun facts: Bale used to be at Southampton before joining Spurs; Lambert used to manage Norwich before taking Villa on this year’s Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. The Player/Young Player of the Year and the manager of a lot of young players face their former squads today. Spurs’ next match (Wednesday, vs. Chelsea) has much more meaning for the Champions League race, but we’re in a for-real EVERY GAME COUNTS scenario.

Can Arsenal stay in the CL? The race for St. Totteringham’s Day is on as Arsenal attempts to maintain its annual stay in the top four (read: fourth) AND scout rumored transfer target/French guy Loic Remy as the Gunners face Championship-bound QPR. Also, we’ll make the obligatory bacon sandwich reference since Redknapp’s still managing QPR. And allegedly will be next year.

The race for 17th. Newcastle’s colossal ass-kicking at the hands of Liverpool last week was bad enough to plunge them into the relegation battle. The suddenly-toothless (not like Liverpool, amirite?) Toons face West Ham (the best of last year’s promoted sides), while Wigan (who looked alternately awesome and clown-car in tying Spurs last week) goes against West Brom, The Most Boring of EPL Sides.

The Chammmmmmmpions Race

Chelsea (currently third)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 65
Max Points Possible: 77
Max Points Possible if they tie Spurs May 8: 75
GD: 33
Left to Play: at Man U, Spurs, at Villa, at Everton
Things to keep in mind: Man U doesn’t have much to play for now that the league’s wrapped up and the all-time points record isn’t possible, the game vs. Spurs will be a war, Villa will be likely scrapping to avoid relegation, Everton might have a shot at fifth at that point, which looks the only route to the Europa league.

Arsenal (currently fourth)
Games Remaining: 3
Points: 64
Max Points Possible: 73
GD: 30
Left to Play: at QPR, Wigan, at Newcastle
Things to keep in mind: Giroud’s gone for another two weeks because of the red card, QPR will be pretty deflated (okay, MORE SO), and Wigan and Newcastle will be scrapping to avoid relegation, and Wigan did tie Spurs this past weekend (though the two goals they gave up were comical). (Newcastle just lost 6-0 to Liverpool. They seem officially awful.)

Spurs (currently fifth)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 62
Max Points Possible: 74
Max Points Possible if they tie Spurs May 8: 72
GD: 17
Left to Play: Southampton, at Chelsea, at Stoke, Sunderland
Things to keep in mind: Southampton’s been a tough out for top teams, Chelsea has played well of late (though, still, Torres + Benitez), Stoke is Stoke, and Sunderland has new fascist inspiration which will probably keep them out of the drop zone.

If everyone wins out (with the exception of Spurs beating Chelsea): Spurs 74, Chelsea 74, Arsenal 73
If everyone wins out (with the exception of Chelsea beating Spurs): Chelsea 77, Arsenal 73, Spurs 71
If everyone wins out (with the exception of a Spurs-Chelsea tie): Chelsea 75, Arsenal 73, Spurs 72

(Also, no one cares much, but Man City needs 7 points in its final four games to clinch 2nd, and their final two are at Reading and Norwich. At Swansea and hosting West Brom are the two semi-tests. And just for fun, Everton’s sitting at 59 points with three games left, max of 68 possible, against Liverpool, West Ham, and Chelsea. Liverpool’s at 54 points with three games left, so we’ll introduce them into the conversation should the Black Plague sweep London in the next few weeks.

The Relegation Battle

Wigan (currently 18th)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 32
Max Points Possible: 44
GD: -23
Left to Play: at West Brom, Swansea, at Arsenal, Villa
Things to keep in mind: This is not a particularly easy stretch for Wigan, Figueroa’s hurt, they’ve got an FA Cup final in the mix here (not as WTF as Bradford vs. Swansea was, but close), and Arsenal will be gunning (rim shot) for a CL spot. So it could come to the match with Villa and Wigan’s current 4-goal GD advantage.

Aston Villa (currently 17th)
Games Remaining: 4
Points: 34
Max Points Possible: 46
GD: -27
Left to Play: Sunderland, at Norwich, Chelsea, at Wigan
Things to keep in mind: Winning today against the fascists would keep Villa in control of their own destiny; a loss would allow Wigan to grab the steering wheel. Villa have a goal differential to work on in the coming weeks. Though giving up three goals to RVP in 32 minutes last week was, well, bad, Benteke and Weimann continue to look dangerous and capable of multi-goal games. (That defense, though.)

Newcastle (currently 16th)
Games Remaining: 3
Points: 37
Max Points Possible: 46
GD: -23
Left to Play: at West Ham, at QPR, Arsenal
Things to keep in mind: Europe last year, and rim of the drop zone this year, thanks to an epic 0-6 bed-crapping against a Liverpool side that just lost Suarez to a 10-game ban. Alan Pardew, we applaud you. Could a 0-0 draw against QPR be enough to save Newcastle?

(If Sunderland lose today, they’re at 37 points with three games left, just like Newcastle, but with a much-better GD position of -7. Everyone else, starting with lackluster Norwich, look safe, though some look a lamer brand of safe than others.)

(Monday afternoon update: Are you kidding me? Villa wins 6-1, pulls ahead of Wigan and Newcastle in goal differential, goes up to 16th in the table … and this is in a game where Sessegnon gets red-carded out of the rest of the season. So, all of a sudden, the Tyneside teams are in more dire straits than Villa — the Toons are in 17th, and Sunderland’s in 15th but they don’t have their top two goalscorers. Nice win, Villa.)

Arsenal’s championship guard for United. With the league wrapped up well before the last day of the season (unlike last year’s wild and eminently more watchable ride), we’ll get the dubious tradition of the non-title-winning team clapping for the league champs. In this case, it’s watching RVP beaming about a league trophy, at the Emirates, the first year after leaving the Emirates. As an Arsenal fan, how does it feel? It feels like your boss gave the jerk in Sales with the perfect hair a bunch of really good leads, he went into Always Be Closing Mode, and you have to pretend to like him as you congratulate him for getting Employee of the Month as you fantasize about keying his car. The championship guard, as a tradition, blows.

Wigla. From now until their last game of the season, we’re likely to talk about Wigan and Villa together as they jockey for 17th and 18th place. Except, of course, when we talk about Wigan’s improbable journey to the FA Cup finals, where we can thank the Latics for blocking Millwall’s path to the FA Cup final.

The Relegation Six-Pointer that could have been. QPR plays Reading in a game that doesn’t have the drama it could have had in the relegation fight, simply because both teams are just that horribly and resolutely in the drop zone. There aren’t even many players worth poaching, unless you’re a fan of overpaid defenders pried from Anzhi Makhachkala.

Playing for second place. Regardless of how Man City does against West Ham this morning, expect contrasts to be drawn between the efficiently managed and quietly dominant United, and the boatload-of-strikers dysfunctional fantasy team that is City. The first half has been typical City — Aguero and Yaya Toure are showing up, Tevez is a black hole, Gareth Barry is getting trucked, Nasri is pouting, and David Silva’s doing a lot of rolling around and holding body parts.

The race for third (and fourth). Assuming City doesn’t entirely tank — and surely, none of us at FourFiveTwo are rooting for that — we’ll be looking at the next four teams in the table and projecting how they’ll finish. Arsenal’s toughest match remaining this season will be tomorrow’s RVP Lovefest (note to Sir Alex: This would be a great game to see what kind of striker you have in Welbeck), Spurs play the FA Cup Finalist half of Wigla (not their toughest game), Zorres and company host Swansea at Stamford Bridge, and Everton hosts Fulham, a game for which we have nothing witty to say, because it’s Everton hosting Fulham.

Pieter Rumaropen gets pretty aggressive (in a cowardly way, seeing as though he came up from behind) on a referee after a penalty decision that I’m guessing, he didn’t like very much.

What kills me is that Rumaropen wasn’t even the player that gave up the penalty.

Now I’ve seen some dodgy penalty calls in my day, but that’s a pretty outrageous reaction. That’s not even close to a “punch a ref in the face” call.

Rumaropen has been given a life ban.

As always you can listen to us below or search for us on iTunes by searching AM 452.

Love it!

These are the facts, nothing but the facts.

The glorious Manchester United have become champions for the 20th time now. The impossible dream made possible by Sir Alex Ferguson and co.

Robin van Persie’s hat trick was one to remember, particularly the volley he smashed in from a Rooney pass.

Onto the main point.

Amidst the grand celebration, a fan threw a fake severed arm on the pitch. Patrice Evra walked over and pretended to take a bite out of the arm. Good to see he’s still thinking about his old friend, Suarez, who, yes, bit Branislav Ivanovic in the arm for those of you who didn’t know. And that’s not the first time he’s done it but this really isn’t about the snaggle-toothed bastard.

20 TIMES!

MUFC